My last CBT session is on Friday so I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how it has helped me and the progress I’ve made.
My therapist has been amazing. After 38 sessions with him I feel he knows me, probably better than I know myself. He’s helped me so much and I’ll always be grateful to him for showing me that I didn’t have to live in pain.
My therapy journey has been long, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and it has hurt at times.
The one that hurt the most was writing the letter to my dad. My dad that I spent my entire life looking to for attention. The dad I begged to be a part of my life. The dad who abandoned me and left me needing security and safety.
My dad who should have been there for me but instead turned his back on me. I wrote 8 A4 pages to him. And reading it back made me cry even more. But now I read it and I don’t cry for what I never had, for what I needed. I feel proud that despite it all I have proven strong enough to withstand.
I feel proud of my parenting abilities, and how I’ve raised my children despite not having the best example from him. I was incredibly lucky to have my mum, to show me how to parent properly, to guide me and support me, to help me out whenever I needed it.
My dad can’t hurt me anymore. I have nothing left inside of me for him. I don’t feel anger or sadness that he’s missed out on my life or my children’s lives. I don’t feel hatred, I don’t blame myself for not being good enough for him. I feel. Nothing. And that’s what I needed.
I needed to learn that I will never be enough for him because I’m not him and the only person he cares about is himself. I needed to learn that it’s not my fault that I don’t measure up to his standards, and that it’s ok to not need him.
It took time but I’m there. I don’t feel any negativity toward him. I appreciate that he’s my dad and without him I wouldn’t be in the world. But I also know that without him I have and I will manage just fine.
Another revelation that therapy taught me is that I can’t blame myself for the trauma that I went through as a teenager and that people are only responsible for their own actions, not the actions of others.
I feel much more in control and able to face the world. I feel much more stable in my emotions and I feel I can express them, good and bad, in a healthy manner.
So thank you Robin. You have been amazing. Everyone needs a Robin in their lives. Truly. He’s made me a better person because he’s taught me how to manage my feelings.